From the day that you were born, life changed. I changed. I discovered that sometimes our lives need to be completely shaken-up and changed for us to find out where we are truly meant to be. Life is about change. Sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is beautiful, but most of the time it is both.
I don’t remember you being born as I was unconscious. After waking up from my general anaesthetic, you were placed in my arms and I cried and shouted hysterically that you were not my baby. Once the effects of the drugs wore off, I was terrified. The most scared I had felt in my life until that point I think. Two days after you came into my world, on Christmas Eve, you almost left my world. I will never ever forget that day. That was a whole new level of fear. It also opened up my eyes to just how incredibly precious you are. Leaving the hospital with you for the first time was not what I imagined it to be. I refused to have any photos taken of us together and your Dada had to carry you and all of our bags. I just shuffled along and cried. I wanted to get out of that hospital so bad because hospitals are the scariest place for me to be but I was also so scared leaving the safe haven of that maternity ward where they could fix you if anything bad was to happen you again. The outfits I had meticulously planned for us to wear going home were vastly different from the ones we both actually wore. I certainly didn’t expect to be wearing an adult nappy or flip flops in December and you were smaller than anticipated so all the things we had for you were too big. Once I got home to my own bed with you, things started to feel better and for the first time I was able to enjoy being your Mama but I was just so worried about you all the time. I would not leave you out of my sight. I started to learn what other women were talking about when they said you feel a crazy kind of love for your children. I felt crazy and I was in love.
People say that motherhood is hard. People also tell you that motherhood is one of the best things that you can experience. It is the most intensely terrifyingly beautiful thing that has happened in my life. I literally cannot do anything without thinking about you, worrying about you, wondering about you. I love you more than you will ever know. The same way I now understand that my mother loves me. In fact, I love you so much that I cannot sleep. I haven’t slept soundly since the day that you were born. It is not because you are awake at night. You love to nap and you love to sleep all night. I just cannot sleep soundly because my mind never stops thinking about you, worrying about you, wondering about you. Some days I am so tired and so worn out that people ask me if I was out partying the night before. I dream about running away to sleep for days… but if I ever get the chance to go away and ‘catch up on sleep’ – I just want to be right back with you… listening to your big belly laugh and feeling your soft baby skin. When you were a younger baby I didn’t feel this way quite so strongly but it gets more intense the older you get and the longer I have spent with you. Yes, I am tired all the time and spending my days with you makes me even more tired because you have so much energy and we spend a lot of time running after you and alongside of you. You hate to sit still and you absolutely love to run. You almost ran before you walked. You love for us to ‘have a cosy’ together. Your little warm body pressed against me with your little hand wrapped up in mine. You spent the first year of your life in Ireland and the second year of your life in Dubai. You have experienced so much in your short life so far and I hope that we have so many more years together.
If I had to choose one person to be with forever, it would be you. You are my little pal… my sidekick. We go most places together. You are hilarious. You have the strongest character. Everyone tells me that you are wild. Some say it as if it’s a bad thing. You are wild – wild and free. People often think that you are older than you are and you get treated a bit unfairly because you look older than you are. My baby girl. Just two years old. You are the boss of our home. You are just incredible. You are the one that has made me softer, kinder and more loving towards everyone. I am not the same person that gave birth to you. I am a better person because of you. I hope that you always know that you have made so many people happy by just being in their presence. You make strangers smile. I would love you to grow up to be kind yet strong, with a heart full of love but a mind of your own.
Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for being mine and for making me this person that I am today as I write this for you.
Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet little rose,
Images by Sarah Sargent
Tutu by Fable Heart
Cake by Spontiphoria