I never fully understood when other people spoke about their crazy love for their children or when other people spoke about the level of responsibility and constant guilt that you feel once you have children. I never really bothered with other people’s babies. I’ve always enjoyed playing with other people’s kids but I never really had a thing for babies. I didn’t enjoy being at lunch/dinner/coffee/events/anywhere with people that talked about babies. I didn’t realise then that I’d be perfectly happy to change my whole life for someone else, never mind that person being a little baby. I never imagined feeling like this. I never expected to fall in love with you like I have.
I didn’t expect to feel so emotional on your 1st birthday. It was the most special day. I feel like I’ve learned more in this year than I have learned in my lifetime. Obviously I have learned how to take care of a baby and as a total beginner, it was not easy. It was actually really tough. Amazing but tough. I have learned so much about myself, my family, my friends and I think I have learned what I really want from life. I know that I want less now. I look at everything differently now. I know that I am incredibly lucky with what I have. I appreciate everything that people do for me now… even if it’s just a text to say hi from a friend. Being a mama can make you feel really lonely despite having a little companion 99% of the time. You don’t feel like yourself anymore and the old you has been replaced by this more organised but more chaotic version of you who cries randomly for no real reason and who dreams about sleeping all day but then cannot sleep at night. I no longer fantasise about going to a tropical island to a 5 star hotel to drink mojitos all day. These days I fantastise about booking into a cheap hotel down the road to sleep… on my own. I am always tired now. I am always stressed out now. I feel guilty about something all the time now. I am so insanely happy yet so bothered all the time. Motherhood makes you melt, laugh, cry, swear and scream every single day. It makes you talk to yourself and speak in weird voices. It makes you constantly hum the songs from plastic toys and Baby TV. It makes you cranky and get cross for no reason with your partner a lot. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you stronger. It makes you care more about things you didn’t really care about before. It makes you look at the world differently. It makes you appreciate your own parents more. Would I change things? No way. Even on the darkest of days when I feel like a failure and wish for a moment that I could go back to my pre-baby carefree days. No way. I am your mama. You are mine. I get to watch my little girl grow. I feel incredibly lucky every single day & I am so grateful for being able to be your mother. I have a little piece of me that is mine to adore forever.
Twinkle, twinkle little star. Wonderful is what you are.
I love you Emie-Rose.
Images by Brid O’Donovan