Tag / Emie-Rose

Lifestyle Mamahood

Two

EmieRose 2nd Birthday

From the day that you were born, life changed. I changed. I discovered that sometimes our lives need to be completely shaken-up and changed for us to find out where we are truly meant to be. Life is about change. Sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is beautiful, but most of the time it is both.

I don’t remember you being born as I was unconscious. After waking up from my general anaesthetic, you were placed in my arms and I cried and shouted hysterically that you were not my baby. Once the effects of the drugs wore off, I was terrified. The most scared I had felt in my life until that point I think. Two days after you came into my world, on Christmas Eve, you almost left my world. I will never ever forget that day. That was a whole new level of fear. It also opened up my eyes to just how incredibly precious you are. Leaving the hospital with you for the first time was not what I imagined it to be. I refused to have any photos taken of us together and your Dada had to carry you and all of our bags. I just shuffled along and cried. I wanted to get out of that hospital so bad because hospitals are the scariest place for me to be but I was also so scared leaving the safe haven of that maternity ward where they could fix you if anything bad was to happen you again. The outfits I had meticulously planned for us to wear going home were vastly different from the ones we both actually wore. I certainly didn’t expect to be wearing an adult nappy or flip flops in December and you were smaller than anticipated so all the things we had for you were too big. Once I got home to my own bed with you, things started to feel better and for the first time I was able to enjoy being your Mama but I was just so worried about you all the time. I would not leave you out of my sight. I started to learn what other women were talking about when they said you feel a crazy kind of love for your children. I felt crazy and I was in love.

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People say that motherhood is hard. People also tell you that motherhood is one of the best things that you can experience. It is the most intensely terrifyingly beautiful thing that has happened in my life. I literally cannot do anything without thinking about you, worrying about you, wondering about you. I love you more than you will ever know. The same way I now understand that my mother loves me. In fact, I love you so much that I cannot sleep. I haven’t slept soundly since the day that you were born. It is not because you are awake at night. You love to nap and you love to sleep all night. I just cannot sleep soundly because my mind never stops thinking about you, worrying about you, wondering about you. Some days I am so tired and so worn out that people ask me if I was out partying the night before. I dream about running away to sleep for days… but if I ever get the chance to go away and ‘catch up on sleep’ – I just want to be right back with you… listening to your big belly laugh and feeling your soft baby skin. When you were a younger baby I didn’t feel this way quite so strongly but it gets more intense the older you get and the longer I have spent with you. Yes, I am tired all the time and spending my days with you makes me even more tired because you have so much energy and we spend a lot of time running after you and alongside of you. You hate to sit still and you absolutely love to run. You almost ran before you walked. You love for us to ‘have a cosy’ together. Your little warm body pressed against me with your little hand wrapped up in mine. You spent the first year of your life in Ireland and the second year of your life in Dubai. You have experienced so much in your short life so far and I hope that we have so many more years together.

If I had to choose one person to be with forever, it would be you. You are my little pal… my sidekick. We go most places together. You are hilarious. You have the strongest character. Everyone tells me that you are wild. Some say it as if it’s a bad thing. You are wild – wild and free. People often think that you are older than you are and you get treated a bit unfairly because you look older than you are. My baby girl. Just two years old. You are the boss of our home. You are just incredible. You are the one that has made me softer, kinder and more loving towards everyone. I am not the same person that gave birth to you. I am a better person because of you. I hope that you always know that you have made so many people happy by just being in their presence. You make strangers smile. I would love you to grow up to be kind yet strong, with a heart full of love but a mind of your own.

Roses

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Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for being mine and for making me this person that I am today as I write this for you.

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet little rose,

Mama

xxx

Images by Sarah Sargent

Tutu by Fable Heart

Cake by Spontiphoria

Mamahood Places

Someday

Emie Rose Someday

One day you came into my life and everything changed. On that day you made me a different person. Some days I feel like I can not cope and other days I feel like I was put on this Earth just to be your Mama.

Someday I will tell you how much you changed my life. Someday you will understand just how much you mean to me. Some days I feel so out of my depth and other days I feel like I am doing perfectly ok. Some days I feel insanely lonely and other days I feel like all I need in the world is you.

Someday I will tell you stories about your life. The kind of childhood that you had. The summer days spent outside with great people. The days spent jumping in big puddles and you with your head back laughing. I will also tell you about the winter days spent curled up inside with those that love you so much. The days filled with laughter and hugs and me not wanting to ever let you go.

Someday you will grow up. One day you will not need me the way you need me now anymore and on that day I know I will shed a tear. Some days I wish for you to be more grown up and other days I want you to be my baby forever. Some days I worry because you do certain things and other days I just want you to be you. Wild & wonderful you.

Someday you might have children of your own and on that day you too will learn that us Mamas would do anything for our babies. Just about anything. I love you today and every day and I will love you even a bit more tomorrow.

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Someday I hope that you will look back and remember the days spent playing in muddy puddles, wild and free, with me.

Mama x

 

Images by Gillian Horgan

Fota House & Gardens

 

 

Mamahood

One

The First Year

I never fully understood when other people spoke about their crazy love for their children or when other people spoke about the level of responsibility and constant guilt that you feel once you have children. I never really bothered with other people’s babies. I’ve always enjoyed playing with other people’s kids but I never really had a thing for babies. I didn’t enjoy being at lunch/dinner/coffee/events/anywhere with people that talked about babies. I didn’t realise then that I’d be perfectly happy to change my whole life for someone else, never mind that person being a little baby. I never imagined feeling like this. I never expected to fall in love with you like I have.

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I didn’t expect to feel so emotional on your 1st birthday. It was the most special day. I feel like I’ve learned more in this year than I have learned in my lifetime. Obviously I have learned how to take care of a baby and as a total beginner, it was not easy. It was actually really tough. Amazing but tough. I have learned so much about myself, my family, my friends and I think I have learned what I really want from life. I know that I want less now. I look at everything differently now. I know that I am incredibly lucky with what I have. I appreciate everything that people do for me now… even if it’s just a text to say hi from a friend. Being a mama can make you feel really lonely despite having a little companion 99% of the time. You don’t feel like yourself anymore and the old you has been replaced by this more organised but more chaotic version of you who cries randomly for no real reason and who dreams about sleeping all day but then cannot sleep at night. I no longer fantasise about going to a tropical island to a 5 star hotel to drink mojitos all day. These days I fantastise about booking into a cheap hotel down the road to sleep… on my own. I am always tired now. I am always stressed out now. I feel guilty about something all the time now. I am so insanely happy yet so bothered all the time. Motherhood makes you melt, laugh, cry, swear and scream every single day. It makes you talk to yourself and speak in weird voices. It makes you constantly hum the songs from plastic toys and Baby TV. It makes you cranky and get cross for no reason with your partner a lot. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you stronger. It makes you care more about things you didn’t really care about before. It makes you look at the world differently. It makes you appreciate your own parents more. Would I change things? No way. Even on the darkest of days when I feel like a failure and wish for a moment that I could go back to my pre-baby carefree days. No way. I am your mama. You are mine. I get to watch my little girl grow. I feel incredibly lucky every single day & I am so grateful for being able to be your mother. I have a little piece of me that is mine to adore forever.

Twinkle, twinkle little star. Wonderful is what you are.

I love you Emie-Rose.

Mama

xoxo

 

Images by Brid O’Donovan

 

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